Words I Couldn't Say
by lilypadprincess
Summary: The road to self-discovery is a treacherous one.


A/N: So, this is another trans!Rin fic. I don't know why, but Rin as an FtM just speaks to me. So, be prepared for that. Also, language. Not too much, but its there.

Disclaimer is in my profile.

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><p>Rin chewed her bottom lip as she followed along behind her lord, obviously lost in thought. The noise it made was imperceptible to human ears, but Sesshomaru picked up on it as if she were yelling.<p>

He cast her a quick glance, not really caring about what she was thinking of. One of the things that made her presence tolerable, Sesshomaru thought, was that she did not speak her mind.

Now, do not confuse speaking one's mind with general speaking. Sesshomaru knew that the girl could talk. From the moment the sun rose to the moment it rose again, Rin never ran out of things to go on about.

But, for things like this (not that Sesshomaru knew what 'this' was), Rin kept quiet. She was a child, and a human, but she was sharper than most. She did not hold any illusions that her lord paid any attention to her ramblings. Rin understood that the one-sided conversations she held with Sesshomaru were just that, one-sided.

And so, when Rin stumbled across something that mattered- always to her, never to Sesshomaru- she did not speak. She kept her thoughts where they belonged, in her head. She could babble all day long about flowers and the like, but not this. This was something that needed to be analyzed, reviewed. Something to be taken seriously.

Rin would not speak to Sesshomaru about this. He wouldn't listen. Her words would bounce off him and fall to the ground, unheard.

Rin was nothing to him.

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><p>It wasn't really a surprise, she thought.<p>

Sesshomaru was a demon, who did demonic things. His only problem was the strange attachment he had for a flimsy human girl.

It did not bother Rin that Sesshomaru had left her at the village. She loved the stationary feeling. Not moving from place to place, knowing where you were going to sleep that night was an amazing thing. Her friends were here, too. Mostly. Kagome was absent but Inuyasha was not, and while it was apparent that the hanyou missed the priestess, he was still the same obnoxious loudmouth Rin had come to know and love.

Miroku and Sango were still around, with Shippo too. And sometimes even Kohaku came by for a visit, when he wasn't off slaying demons.

She stayed in Kaede's hut, learning domestic like things. It was all utterly boring, but it was something to do, and the mundane tasks kept Rin from searching herself too much. She didn't have time to worry about the feeling of abandonment she got when she thought of the way Sesshomaru had left her here when she was cleaning or acting as a midwife for someone in the village.

She didn't have time to worry about anything.

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><p>Though it had always been there, it really hit Rin one day when she was sparring with Inuyasha. Sango kept promising to teach her basic combat, but the former slayer was too busy being a mother.<p>

Rin side-stepped a jab to her right, and she blocked an attempt from Inuyasha's claws on her left, but she wasn't expecting the foot that shot out and knocked her on her ass.

"What is wrong with you today? You're acting weird."

Rin peered up at Inuyasha curiously. "Am I?" She asked, rising to her feet gracefully. Rin had never seen Sesshomaru take a fall, but she'd watched him rise from a crouch before. It was a habit, sometimes, to mimic him. Rin didn't think that was what Inuyasha was talking about, though.

"Yeah," the hanyou growled. "You are. Wanna tell me why?"

Rin blinked. Inuyasha, emotionally repressed Inuyasha, wanted to _talk_?

"Not really."

Inuyasha's brows crawled into his hairline. "A girl that doesn't want to talk about shit, huh? Whatever, princess. Just stop letting it bother you, 'cause when you're spaced like that, It makes me want to maim you, just for the hell of it."

Rin's jaw clenched and she nodded. "It won't happen again."

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><p>It had been two years since Sesshomaru had left her at the village. Today was to be his first visit. Rin wasn't sure how old she was, or when her birthday was, but when she saw his reflection in the stream she was bent over, she decided that today was as good as any.<p>

"Lord Sesshomaru, did you come for my birthday?"

It wasn't hello, because Rin had never told him goodbye in the first place.

Sesshomaru didn't twitch, or move. He didn't blink or even breathe. "Today is not your birthday."

Rin smiled and stood up straight, flinching as her back popped in several places. "It could be."

Sesshomaru didn't respond, but handed her a heavy parcel. Kimonos.

Rin thanked him and began walking back towards the hut, intending on placing her new clothes into a little trunk Kaede had given her some time ago. She wouldn't bother leaving the hut once she got inside. She knew Sesshomaru was already gone.

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><p>Rin frowned, tucking a stray strand of hair behind her ear. It was shorter than it'd ever been, and uneven- a result of cutting it herself. Sango and Kagome and the other ladies in the village could tie their long hair back all they wanted. Rin did not feel the need to keep such a feminine appearance; she had work to do and she wanted to do it comfortably.<p>

Among other things.

Shippo copied her expression. "Whats wrong, Rin?"

Rin thought it cute how Shippo fussed over her. The fox kit was probably way older than Rin, despite his young visage, but she still looked on him as a little brother. Someone she should worry about, not the other way around.

"Nothing, Shippo," she murmured. When she looked up, the green-eyed girl that had been watching her was gone.

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><p>It had been ten years since Sesshomaru had left Rin. She thought herself around twenty or so, now. Things were still the same and yet different. Kaede was long since dead and Kagome had replaced her as the village priestess.<p>

She and Inuyasha had a son now. Still a baby, crawling around everywhere. Rin lived alone in Kaede's old hut.

Sango and Miroku had moved to the slayer's old home, hoping to restore it to its former glory. They visited often.

Sesshomaru wasn't seen too much, but he dropped by occasionally.

Shippo had spent the last year with Kohaku. He had a lady friend now, much to Rin's relief. Her rejection of his initial proposal was hard on the fox.

Kohaku himself, though, was another story.

Rin sighed when she spotted the flowers. There was no doubt in her mind about who they could be from. She thought of Mitsu, the girl with the green eyes, who sometimes helped Rin when the ladies of the village went into labor.

Mitsu would appreciate these flowers. When they spoke, the green-eyed girl centered around one thing: marriage. Boys, this and husbands, that. Family and children and romance. It made Rin snort to herself most of the time.

But did Mitsu know something she didn't? Kagome seemed to think that Rin had all the time in the world to settle down. Do what you want, Rin, don't rush into things. You don't have to decide right now.

As if Rin had ever initiated a conversation about marriage with the priestess, anyways.

Inuyasha had a different opinion. "You're not getting any younger," he'd say. And when Rin had cut her hair, "You certainly ain't getting any prettier. Take Kohaku up on his offer. Don't know why the hell he's still trying, but he is."

Picking up the flowers, Rin imagined getting married to the slayer. Their ceremony would be beautiful, no doubt- Kagome would prepare everything.

They would have several guests. Sango and her brood, Shippo and his lady. Maybe even Sesshomaru would show up.

Rin would wear her best kimono, the silky white one with the emerald vines that crawled up her left arm, slid down her back and looped around her waist to trail down her right leg.

Rin thought of Mitsu, and how badly she wanted to be wed. Those green eyes, like the ivy on Rin's kimono, would tear up at a proposal from a man like Kohaku.

Dumping the flowers into her chest, Rin chased away thoughts of wedded bliss with Kohaku, and decided she would give Mitsu the white kimono.

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><p>Sesshomaru did not know what to think the next time he saw Rin. His visits to the human were spontaneous. If he happened to be near the village he would drop in. Sometimes he would have a gift for the girl, a woman now. Other times he would have nothing.<p>

This time, he did have a gift. Not a kimono, but shoes. He realized that Rin worked around the village. She did not have a family to fall back on, or a husband to provide for her. The shoes were actually boy's boots, from the mainland. They were similar to Sesshomaru's own footwear, but significantly smaller. They would protect her feet without being ruined from her labors.

Rin smiled as she took them. "Thank you, my lord. They are wonderful."

She put them on her feet automatically, having been barefoot when Sesshomaru arrived. When she straightened up, the transformation was complete.

She was not wearing a single article of clothing Sesshomaru had given her throughout the years, with the exception of the new boots. Her kosode was orange, a color she must love, with thick yellow circles of various sizes scattered about. Her hakama were navy blue, and the whole ensemble was tied off with a red heko-obi.

The short hair and boots did nothing but add to her masculinity.

Sesshomaru considered himself a man of few words. What he did say, however, was important. Not to be taken likely.

"You look like a human male."

Rin couldn't help the surprised, but pleased, look that crossed her features. "You think so?" She asked, before remembering that such a comment should have caused her distress. "I mean, I suppose I do. I just find it easier to do my work while wearing men's clothing. It's a bit more freeing, you know, than any of my kimonos."

Sesshomaru blinked but refrained from commenting on her observations. "Does it not deter the attention of unmarried men in the village?"

Rin blushed, thought of Mitsu, and shook her head. "I've had offers."

"Kohaku?" Sesshomaru guessed.

"And a couple more."

Sesshomaru didn't know what to think of that. With her boyish looks, she still received proposals. And yet, she accepted none?

"You are still unmarried."

Rin nodded. She knew that it wasn't so much a statement as a question- _why?_- but she had no answer to give to her lord. None that he would understand. None that she understood.

Rin looked down, at her feet, and quietly thanked Sesshomaru for the shoes again.

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><p>It wasn't too much longer after Sesshomaru had given her the shoes- a month, maybe two- that Kohaku returned to her hut. He was a determined man.<p>

"I want to marry you, Rin."

Rin pretended not to hear her old friend as she continued to stir her stew, watching as it bubbled.

"I love you. I want to start a family with you. I want to be your husband and I want you to be my wife."

_Wife._

Rin felt a tear slide down her cheek as she shook her head. She could hear the load exhale of breath as Kohaku stomped away, perhaps for the last time.

In the midst of her sadness, she thought of what Kohaku had said.

He loved her. He wanted her as his wife.

Stirring her stew, Rin wondered what Mitsu might do if she proposed.

_I love you, Mitsu. I want to marry you. I want to be your husband and I want you to be my wife._

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><p>Rin had come to terms with the fact that, whatever it was she was feeling, there was nothing she could do about it. From her manly appearance to her distaste for Kohaku and the other males of the village, to her love for green-eyed Mitsu- happily married, expecting a child- Rin did not think she would ever be able to put a name to the disquiet within her soul.<p>

Kagome called it 'transgender.'

It was a word from the priestess' own time, maybe, or simply something that Rin had never heard of, but it made sense. It made so much sense.

"There isn't anything wrong with you, Rin." Kagome said gently, laying her hand upon the younger girl's shoulder gently. "It happens. You were born with the wrong body. Your heart is male but your body isn't."

Rin swallowed. Here it was, the information she had longed for. On the lonely days when she still traveled with lord Sesshomaru. When he left her at the village, and her friendly feelings for Mitsu had gave way to attraction and then to love.

When she sparred with Inuyasha- that anger she felt when he insulted her. _Girl. Princess._

The real reason she could never be Kohaku's wife. Anyone's wife.

"What do I do about it?"

Kagome's eyes softened. "In my time, there are procedures you could take. Hormone treatment, to make your voice drop. And surgeries. Top surgeries, to get rid of your breasts. Bottom surgeries, to- you know, add a penis. Transgender men don't always do these things, though. It depends on the individual."

Rin felt like shaking the priestess. "Yes, but what can _I _do about it?"

Kagome inhaled sharply. "I don't know. I wish I did. All I can say is, if you feel like a man, live like one. You can change pronouns. Ask people to say 'him' instead of 'her' when they're talking about you. You could use a male name. I think Rin is unisex, but all the people I've met named Rin are girls. Which is, admittedly, only you, but still. And-"

"Kagome." Rin interjected.

"Yes?" The priestess asked, a bit sheepishly.

"Thank you."

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><p>After talking with Kagome, Rin was waiting for only one thing. Sesshomaru.<p>

The demon was bound to show up sooner or later.

On the day that Sesshomaru came, Rin had come up with exactly what he was going to say.

"_I realize that you probably don't care about what I have to tell you. This is more for me than it is for you, anyways. Since I was a child, back when I still followed you, I've known I was different. Not just because my companions were demons. I was different. I still am._

_I'm not the girl everyone thinks I am. I am more like you, lord Sesshomaru, even if I don't look like it. I am a man."_

When Sesshomaru stepped into his hut, Rin sucked in a deep breath. He would just say it. What was there to worry about? This was the same demon who had revived him as an experiment. Kept him as an obligation. Abandoned him. Rin did not believe he could disappoint Sesshomaru any more than he could make the demon proud.

Still, Sesshomaru was the closest thing Rin had to a father.

Today, Rin would make sure his words were heard. Even if they didn't matter to Sesshomaru, they mattered to Rin. This was something that needed to be said, needed to be out.

Rin would tell Sesshomaru, the man he considered his father, everything he felt. Rin would not let his words be wasted.

Sesshomaru was everything to him.


End file.
